I am hearing so many people talking about time at the moment. Perhaps its because Im so obsessed with it myself…
Spending so much time at home in confinement and curfew, having so much new and scary time as they have less employment, or lost work altogether, juggling time working from home whilst simultaneously looking after children, drawing boundaries around time spent working from home and with ‘normal’ home life, general issues setting new time boundaries in new situations, having more time due to less commute/less workload/no school run etc but more time wasting, and procrastination.. the list goes on.
Time it seems to elude us all..
For me, in lockdown I realised that what I used to call my “crazy, busy, time poor life” was actually just my “crazy, busy life” and was of my own creation.
Pre-Covid, I used to wake up at 5.45, shower, meditate, write a gratitude list, check through my ‘To Do’ list, get my child up and off to school. Then I would go to the studio and teach back to back Reformer Pilates classes all morning, and then run to my off- site afternoon Pilates classes, then run to pick my daughter up from school, run to take her to gymnastics and then run back to the studio for evening Pilates classes… No one would argue that wasn’t a busy day.. but did it have to be like that?
Did I have to be running, and ricocheting around the city like this???
The answer became clearer when I was forced to close my Pilates studio, and lockdown in March.
I started to become really “busy” at home..My monkey mind thinking went like this.... “Got to get up early, and get some work done, before my daughter wakes up. Got to make breakfast for us all, clean it away, set-up child with home schooling, put a wash on, hang the washing. Get some work done whilst online school is on, make lunch, clean it away, do some work on online option for business whilst daughter doing homework (read playing on the iPad). Should clean some cupboards since we are at home and they need doing, sort through clothes etc. Place is a mess. Should make some videos for my students to do at home, think of relaunch strategy. What shall we have for dinner? Got make dinner…. etc.. “
I lived with the same level of with anxiety and stress, “running” and rushing from one task to next, locked down at home in a small apartment with my business closed.
It was an exact replica of my regular city life only in 70m2 - running without actually running.
I was creating this reality, and way of living my days mentally and physically, as this “busy-ness” served to keep me from being with myself. Okay, I meditated but that seemed different, as it was a practice and “on the list”. Something I factored in, and not just random, empty space to just “be”, if that make sense?
Unallocated, random time, with nothing programmed or planned was perhaps the scariest thing for me (thankfully, one might say) this about lockdown and beyond..
However, I am leaning into it, and I have to be honest I have never felt so liberated, free and whole, in my entire life. My anxiety - which I have almost had to breathe my way through on a daily basis - has practically disappeared, and I feel grounded. I feel comfortable to just be, and I feel am enough. I am not running from myself, or around like a headless chicken.
So what did I do to change this?
Here are the 8 steps I took to reclaim this illusive time and find joy.
I took responsibility -The first thing was the acceptance that this pressure was all my own construct - I had blamed a demanding lifestyle, but I was responsible for my time, how I use it, and how I perceive it. This gave the power to back me. I still had a demanding lifestyle, and obligations, but I had to show up differently - I don’t want to be a martyr, or show my daughter that running ragged was where it’s at. Definitely not! I did everything more mindfully and this was a big step to peace and joy.
I looked at downtime differently. I gave myself permission to just do nothing, and to see that it was okay not to have every minute programmed, and when a moment came up I didn’t need to fill it. This was hard as it meant being with myself, which was what I seemed to be avoiding, and the feeling of inadequacy, failing or being lazy... Unproductive free time felt weird - like I was squandering “precious time” somehow. I had to change my perspective and I did. It was tough but now I love these pauses, that I know the world isn’t going to stop, I’m not going to be judged as lazy (and if I am, so what?), nor my business fail, and that I’m okay and am still a worthy person even when Im not ‘proving’ myself. Just breathing and being. In fact the world, and life, is richer now I take time to experience it… Actually, my most creative or interesting ideas fall into my head during this time.
I Read…more regularly and for longer. I had forgotten the richness, and how much I love reading... It is never a waste of time (which I would sometimes tell myself if it wasn’t a business or Pilates book, I am horrified to admit). What’s wonderful is my daughter comes to read with me, and we enjoy our respective world of books, together. I find reading slows down time and helps me keep a grounded calmness.
I became more protective of my time . I say ‘No’ to things that I don’t want to do, instead of saying ‘Yes’ out of obligation (and with a little resentment). “No” as a sentence is still a hard one, but I am getting better as not giving my time away so freely.
So I have more time and energy to say YES, wholeheartedly to doing things that make my heart sing and with the people I love. instead of saying, “I can’t - I don’t have time”. The time is now, and I make sure I spend it wisely.
I became more present, more often.. .Although I do DO more things that make my heart sing - time with family, friends, being by myself, walks in nature, days at the beach, lunch with friends - the joy is always in the present moment, In the BEING etc so any moment can be joyful if you are paying attention.. Even when Im running around in a busy life being mindful doing it. So being joyful is an attitude…This is my attitude.
I do more Pilates - for me. I have reconnected to my practice, which sometimes gets lost in teaching, planning and in running a business on my own. Deepening into the exquisiteness of Pilates, and remembering how movement heals and inspires me every damn day. Maybe Pilates is not your thing but something else is deeply personal and moving for you..You Do that… I Love Pilates.
Remember what’s important and be grateful for everything you have. I’m guessing it’s heaps - Health, love, joy, kindness, honesty, peace, security and freedom are important to me (along with food, shelter and clean water, of course…. and wine) and I am so lucky to have all these blessings so why be stressed and anxious? No need. Stop it and be grateful..
Next week, I am back in the studio after the August holidays, and I can’t wait. I am super blessed that my Reformer Pilates classes are already nearly full with my lovely returning clients and some new, equally lovely ones, my daughter then starts school mid Sept, and will be back in gymnastics..
Oh my stars here we go!
I’m going to float through life with an attitude of joy, she says..jeje
Soooooo, although my days and obligations will increase again, let’s see I can move through my life, and my full days, honouring my commitment to be less stressed and more joyful, less busy martyr and more present, grounded sage.
I have already said “No” to some off site projects, and intend to set boundaries so my school run is more of jaunt than a charge.. So far so good.. but term hasn’t started yet. I’ll let you know how I go.
I am joyfully optimistic..
Do you have your own time story? I’d love to hear about it. Sometimes its great to share what we think might be oddities about ourselves when really we all have them..
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Thank you for reading this to the end. I appreciate that.
Love XX
